Friday, February 14, 2014
Most women that I know agree that a breakup with one of your girls or a fight, even a petty disagreement is sometimes more traumatic that similar scrapes with a boyfriend or husband. We depend on our girlfriends for so much. When you truly trust someone with your heart because you know that she knows *you* then you entrust her with your secrets. With thoughts you don't share with anyone else. You depend on her for laughs about subjects that no one else will get.
SO what could be so bad to cause an actual breakup? Is it even worth it knowing the suffering it will cause just to relive the ugly things said. TO miss her, your FRIEND? Many a woman has weighed these questions but for me I often find the decision being made in the heat of anger....and it's much later that it sinks in what a dreadful error I've made.
And other times not so much.
But the older one gets the fewer true female friends one has. You have to hoard those individuals, pamper them, and love them extravagantly. I broke up with a dear wonderful friend today and the regret creeps up but continues to be knocked down and back by the euphoria of the anger so far.
And it's Valentine's Day. But other dear hearts close to mine were sure to send me loving notes that I reveled in and which made me feel so happy and joyful. There was silence from the quarter of my other friend with whom I'd been engaged in warfare and annihilation all week. What did that mean? Does she hate me? Will we never speak again? What if ---??
It means that fighting with one of those true hearts who are far more like family than friends, that losing a sister-friend is a deep sadness fraught with much agonizing grief and never feels entirely peaceful. And the more petty the argument, strangely enough, the more fierce the absolute battle. If the trouble began over something minorand petty expect nuclear weaponry to be unleashed and foolishness of the most hurtfully violent to enter into the contest.
It means that two friends have wasted time in life due to stubbornness and accentuated their own loneliness in life all by themselves with none other to blame. And that is all. There is no grand meaning at all in its senselessness and it is that very absence of reason, emptiness of principle that rings out with perfect pitch to declare loudly to all and sundry what silly fools both women, former sister-friends, are. That knowledge is a special ache reserved for those locked in bloody and ridiculous battle, the bell's toll interrupting silent nights and lonely afternoons that once were spent in giggly comfort of a best friend's warm, assured presence.
Who will be your friend now? Didn't you know that there are a finite number of true friends in the first place? Wisdom and folly can disguise themselves in the clothing of their opposite just for the fun of watching best girlfriends confuse one with the other.
Considering questions such as these you'll find yourself in the night reaching for the phone...or the ipad/laptop/text....to write your friend and ask if you've done the right thing afterall...
Only to remember that there's no one to ask.
You all don't speak anymore.