When I do my pharmacy shopping I generally go to CVS because 1) it is exactly a single city block from home and 2) I discovered that their coupon card gives really good returns IF you do ALL your shopping per month at CVS; the coupon card gives me several dollars in free stuff or discounts.
So one day when I was giving the lady my card number as she rang me up I paused to glance at the receipt when she handed it to me and then began bagging up. Sure enough like any other time there was a coupon for toothpaste and razors....and maxi pads. Hm, I thought, I'll have to remember I have this for next time. I knew I had squirrelled away several packages of maxi pads at home and just off the top of my head I couldn't remember when I was due to start my period but still...free shit rock, right? Right.
This happened maybe two consecutive months before I realized that CVS knew my menstrual cycle better than I did. By tracking my purchases through my coupon card it could deduce with much greater accuracy than I can claim as I disappear into the weedy late 30s but still-not-quite-40 spanse of terra firma.
CVS knows the date of my period. And that is fucked ...up.
Yes, I appreciate the five dollar off coupons that the cashiers I'm friends with let me use for cigarettes even though it clearly says cigarettes are not eligible for purchase on the coupons but damn, does that really mean I have to sacrifice such a private personal detail such as that to the fucking corner store?!
Apparently so.
Even though my menstrual cycle has, for the first time since I was 12, skipped around, dodged and disappeared, played hide and seek with nerve wracking anxiety-ridden frequency, still I can always depend on the CVS coupons to give me the crucial tip off: Ayo, girl!! It's That Time!! Oh yeah!! Get ready to sleep with your heating pad tonight, girl!!
Right, right I find myself nodding as I shove the coupons into my bag and begin walking home. My corner store's coupon system is alerting me of my womanhood. But seems like they shoulda asked me first before we got so serious. I mean, this feels so fast. So new.
Too late. We're now In A Relationship post to Facebook, inform all friends and followers. Because if you know the date of my period you know a hell of a lot about me. You and CVS, that is.
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