X Heart/X Mind [Redux X-Squared]

Artist Shane Turner

X Heart/X Mind 

I.

You have moved on

and now I can be free 

so why should I miss you

when you don't miss me

However, I am willing to bet

that you can block my letters

and you can turn your back

yet, for all that, you still can't forget

Enclosed by the fog of bitterness

 in clouds of pain and benumbed feeling

alone now, I am bedeviled by dreams 

wherein without ceasing I seek you in vain

through the mists

 entreating you to make peace between us, 

do you know it? can you hear me?

I desire to end this war

of betrayal that has flung us both

 into orbit solitary and reeling

and, finally, together we must assess 

the priceless cost of peace's reward

 see: the savage sacrifice present in this wreckage 

no wickedness, nor more wanton whore 

in its destruction, in its passion

than the cold-bloodedness of a lovers' war

yet forever seared upon my mind

is the pettiness of our slain hearts' worth

 now we dedicate a sacred vow sworn 

upon the field

belated promises betwixt you and I

 to wage battle in armor dressed and worn

 in anger  

in vengeance

in jealousy

for lost love

never no more

II.

each seeking deeply within for an ancient truth 

and trust once known

we depended upon these

(and upon one another) in days long ago

the joy of irrefutable evidence is

thus revealed through eyes' gaze

celebration erupts at unexpected proof through  

discovery of two spirits at long last becalmed

tranquil

placid

peace, be still

like a gentle breeze 

skimming upon the ocean's waves 

and, then, at last to intuit for now visitation to past holds no danger,

 nor threat of evil karma

having now become comrades unfazed too old, tired of armor 

the two former lovers luxuriate in old memories
amidst the dearth of old fears or new trauma

Because the day has come

 to sit and discuss

 why it all fell apart

when did the unquiet begin to make a hold

how "together" lost its meaning 

creating such suffering unlike any ever known

and neither of us could bear to stay

the truth was that in-love had gone

but still the chance existed for it become okay:

after all, friendship is forever

as long as it is respected and nurtured

and cherished that way

III.

We were so good together

and we were friends first

and we laughed a lot

before the time of the hurt

now we are old and I know a true fact

that love and memory and friendship

are like a fisherman's giant net

Stated with bare simplicity:

you cannot get free of what you cannot forget

Whether heartbreaker or heart-broken

there are lessons that no one escapes

And, it is impossible to continue 

hating a lover at all times because love is 

far stronger than pride

which is why it's so difficult

to resist turning and taking one last look back 

in the first doomed-to-failure attempts at leaving

 and saying goodbye

the need is so strong, so instinctive 

to try to tell your love just one more time

that it was nobody's fault

that the love was  always true

that this separation is killing me

 nor can I bear it 

How can you watch me go?

How can I ever leave you?

a merry-go-round of misery 

and heartbreak exquisite pain reinforced until 

despair becomes its own opiate 

defiant of ease or sedation

Tis true as well that when you've caused pain and hurt to a friend

the sense memories remain upon the flesh within

though you may wish to feign, to play make believe and pretend 

it still cannot make it true that

 turning your back walking away will mean The End

and yet who can explain why the mind

continues to look back  torturing itself with replays

as if hoping, daring to meet up with the past one more again 

IV.

So was it only a ruse designed to trick our hearts

that we finally said

''fuck you. forget you. you're not my problem'' 
To bring about the end?

You were never a problem;You were The One

You were the one to make me smilei again and again

The one who sheltered me from a cruel world of tears 

sorrow/defeat/disappointment

worry/trouble/distress/guile

you were The One who made Us 

full of joy, contentment, and cozy warm love

You were the only one who was ever worth the while

i tell you this now

in the dusk of our 

life love and wars

not for you to reply

only for you know that still

you cross my mind

i missed you, my friend and i wish you well

but I have had so many stories to tell you

moving on meant telling someone else

but it was never the same as telling you yourself

V.

be well, my dear

for i still (always) miss you sometimes

the lingering memory of you, like the scent of a shade of color

the taste of a melody, the feel of stardust in one's eyes

You were The One forever cross my heart

just as you now forever cross my mind

<3