Sunday, April 6, 2014

X Heart/X Mind [Redux X-Squared]

Artist Shane Turner

X Heart/X Mind 
You have moved on
and now I can be free 
so why should I miss you
when you don't miss me

However, I am willing to bet
that you can block my letters
and you can turn your back
yet, for all that, you still can't forget

Enclosed by the fog of bitterness
 in clouds of pain and benumbed feeling
alone now, I am bedeviled by dreams 
wherein without ceasing I seek you in vain
through the mists
 entreating you to make peace between us, 
do you know it? can you hear me?
I desire to end this war
of betrayal that has flung us both
 into orbit solitary and reeling

and, finally, together we must assess 
the priceless cost of peace's reward
 see: the savage sacrifice present in this wreckage 
no wickedness, nor more wanton whore 
in its destruction, in its passion
than the cold-bloodedness of a lovers' war

yet forever seared upon my mind
is the pettiness of our slain hearts' worth
 now we dedicate a sacred vow sworn 
upon the field
belated promises betwixt you and I
 to wage battle in armor dressed and worn
 in anger  
in vengeance
in jealousy
for lost love
never no more

each seeking deeply within for an ancient truth 
and trust once known
we depended upon these
(and upon one another) in days long ago
the joy of irrefutable evidence is
thus revealed through eyes' gaze
celebration erupts at unexpected proof through  
discovery of two spirits at long last becalmed
peace, be still
like a gentle breeze 
skimming upon the ocean's waves 

and, then, at last to intuit for now visitation to past holds no danger,
 nor threat of evil karma
having now become comrades unfazed too old, tired of armor 
the two former lovers luxuriate in old memories
amidst the dearth of old fears or new trauma

Because the day has come
 to sit and discuss
 why it all fell apart
when did the unquiet begin to make a hold
how "together" lost its meaning 
creating such suffering unlike any ever known
and neither of us could bear to stay
the truth was that in-love had gone
but still the chance existed for it become okay:
after all, friendship is forever
as long as it is respected and nurtured
and cherished that way

We were so good together
and we were friends first
and we laughed a lot
before the time of the hurt

now we are old and I know a true fact
that love and memory and friendship
are like a fisherman's giant net
Stated with bare simplicity:
you cannot get free of what you cannot forget

Whether heartbreaker or heart-broken
there are lessons that no one escapes
And, it is impossible to continue 
hating a lover at all times because love is 
far stronger than pride
which is why it's so difficult
to resist turning and taking one last look back 
in the first doomed-to-failure attempts at leaving
 and saying goodbye
the need is so strong, so instinctive 
to try to tell your love just one more time
that it was nobody's fault
that the love was  always true
that this separation is killing me
 nor can I bear it 
How can you watch me go?
How can I ever leave you?

a merry-go-round of misery 
and heartbreak exquisite pain reinforced until 
despair becomes its own opiate 
defiant of ease or sedation

Tis true as well that when you've caused pain and hurt to a friend
the sense memories remain upon the flesh within
though you may wish to feign, to play make believe and pretend 
it still cannot make it true that
 turning your back walking away will mean The End
and yet who can explain why the mind
continues to look back  torturing itself with replays
as if hoping, daring to meet up with the past one more again 

So was it only a ruse designed to trick our hearts
that we finally said
''fuck you. forget you. you're not my problem'' 
To bring about the end?
You were never a problem;You were The One
You were the one to make me smilei again and again
The one who sheltered me from a cruel world of tears 
you were The One who made Us 
full of joy, contentment, and cozy warm love
You were the only one who was ever worth the while

i tell you this now
in the dusk of our 
life love and wars
not for you to reply
only for you know that still
you cross my mind

i missed you, my friend and i wish you well
but I have had so many stories to tell you
moving on meant telling someone else
but it was never the same as telling you yourself

be well, my dear
for i still (always) miss you sometimes
the lingering memory of you, like the scent of a shade of color
the taste of a melody, the feel of stardust in one's eyes
You were The One forever cross my heart
just as you now forever cross my mind

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