I've been upset for a few weeks now over a guy situation that I wanted to work which is not going to work. It's not meant to work. Also dude is a total bastard based on the evidence. It's a situation where the person he's been in my head in no manner resembles the real human being but I had to figure it out on my own.
Now the thing is when you've miscalculated a man's character with such deadly imprecision the greatest damage and hurt is the hurt you've done to yourself by elevating a person onto a pedestal where he so truly does not belong.
I have a rule for mindfulness and self-talk that most days I'm rather good at obeying:
Don't ever speak to yourself or of yourself in an abusive/derogatory/belittling manner or even in general negativity - speak your words aloud.
Would you ever speak such deeply hurtful words of cruelty to your best friend...lover...mother...father...sister...child {insert person here}?
If you even heard some toxic person speaking that way to someone you love, wouldn't you already be defending the friend of your heart from such abuse by this sick stranger who seems to enjoy wounding others? You know you would.
It's a very simple equation: if you would never speak harmfully, hurtfully, reckless disparaging commentary words to another person whom you love--
*{eg: critical accusations and belittlement in tones full of bitter sarcasm....insults & epithets aimed at wounding the human spirit/denigration of the human soul which mirror one's own feelings of inadequacy eg: stupid, ugly, dumb, worthless, I'm not good enough, who would want me... ....meanness, criticism with no edifying purpose (criticsim period!)}
-- then those words, the ones that you only just spoke to yourself in the privacy of your own head may not be applied to one's own personal self critique
If you would never allow such degrading, demeaning negativity to poison the ears a Beloved, then you may not/cannot/must not....you are forbidden from treating your self with such wickedness, cruelty, self destruction.
Mindfulness is about self care, self awareness, consciousness of the human spirit on the road to discover a little bit of betterment and enlightenment.
It is about the practice of Love;so, first and foremost, you must love yourself even if you don't know what that means or how to do it...even if, you have to learn from scratch what love means, what it looks, feels like.
Even if you are familiar with Love only in the most general manner. Welp! You gotz to start somewhere!!
Start here: if the words hurt, if they sound ugly, if they make you feel badly then stop using those words, actions, thoughts!! Don't punish yourself and then swallow the lie that pain is purifying your spirit, that you've given yourself a lesson in self-correction. If you are supping at every meal from the platters of suffering, then you are walking the wrong road toward the land of self destruction; you must turn back and cross into the land of Love no matter how silly it sounds or how unworthy you feel. If you don't love you how will you ever attract the love of others particularly if you don't even know what true love means...how it feels...?
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II. Ain't Fuckin Witchu
However I had to take some time to check myself because I'd been saying some harsh shit to myself...and it made me so much sadder...and I felt badder than ever. Shit that I would never say to another woman or man but here I am bullying me....To say these things to/about myself while in such vulnerable, unhealthy, unhappy headspace just now --when I'd be scrapping violently if I heard someone speak these things to a person I love (in this mood I'm in?! Oh no, I would be in serious danger of jumping up and knocking somebody's chrome dome off!)
What things, you ask?
Oh the usual run of the mill self loathing...
I'm so stupid.
I'm just being crazy.
I'm not pretty enough. Damn, that {insert list of flaws here} disqualifies me from love/ dating/affection anyway.#Flawed-est
But the truth is pretty simple. The truth is that I feel bad because I got rejected. And it hurts terribly. But the rejection doesn't make me a bad or worthless person. (So why does it FEEL that way then??) Now I'm a smart lady...rationally I know these things and don't need anyone to reassure me that this is so. Except somehow, on the inside, I do need the reassurance....emotionally speaking...well the rational mind and passionate feelings-part of me are really quite estranged, have very little in common and have nothing much to say to one another. Which is why it's so easy to cross the line of what is permissible in self-talk: when you feel badly enough the heart is hyper prepared to spill all its secrets in an entirely indiscreet, uncensored whisper fest and rumor epidemic to your brain.
Betrayed by Heart and Mind. And it can make you feel so badly.
That's why you can't sleep, of course, because the Brain and the Heart are having a fucking sleepover, and you know full well nobody actually goes to sleep at a pajama party.
Right, you think. Cute for you, Brain and Heart!! I see you running around together with your precious friendship... but I need you to shut the fuck up so I can sleep--
"Fuck you, ya dumb bitch!! We stayin UP!! That's why he don't want you ANYWAY---" said Bad Brain.
"Ahaha-ahahaha-hahahahaaHAAAAAAAAAA--" That was the Joyful Heart laughing -- such wickedness and joy! BAD Heart!
The Brain joins in the laughter and they begin loudly repeating the chorus to Big Sean's hit IDFWU--
"HE AINT FUCKING WITCHU---!!! HE AINT FUCKIN WITCHU---!! The Brain and Joyful Heart are nearly incoherent in glee at this point and you sit tearfully staring at your hands, shaking the mean thoughts from your consciousness---
"I don't give a fuck about you or anything that you do!!" Evil Mind and Bad Heart sing louder than ever.
See that's the problem with self-talk that every person practicing Mindfulness must understand: The powers of the Mind, Spirit and Emotions are enormously strong;and even when in a weakened state caused by trauma or injury or heartbreak we aren't always strong enough to resist the madness of punishing feelings or the grief that follows disgrace and helps diminish our spirit; these are forces dangerous and fluent in cruelty and unkindness: this is why we have to practice loving ourselves as a primary skill in Mindfulness in order to become proficient in treating our selves with the helpful, consoling, gentle and loving reassurance that is so desperately needed and required in cultivating the soul/spirit.We learn to love ourselves in order to begin to love others with all the power of nourishing nurturing, blissed out enlightenment...
There is one very quick and simple way to test the quality of your thoughts as you cultivate Mindfulness: If your self-talk includes negative language and content that you would never, under any circumstance use to your Beloved, then you are endangering your spirit as you journey on the sometimes dark and mysterious road of Mindfulness. If your self-talk is not loving then it is not useful and it may well be a blocking your progress. If your self talk feels downing rather than comforting or uplifting, then you must begin banishing those wrong words...thoughts...actions...and beliefs from both your mind and heart/ If your self talk is contributing to your feelings of hurt and diminishment you'll know by the continual lingering shadows of weakness, sadness, despondency etc -- this then is not true practice of Mindfulness at all as long as you are cultivating negativity, and you are being lead astray by impostors.
III. Evil Mind, Bad Heart, Wack Friend & Secret Foe Walked Into A Bar --Stop Me If You've Heard This One...
If your self talk is destructive rather than uplifting then you are not practicing Mindfulness; indeed, if you are merely practicing the reinforcement of negativity you are engaged in a dark, destructive and dangerous activity from which you need to start running hard and fast in the opposite direction.
There's a lot of hatefulness, sadness, anger, and meanness in the world and it will often find you when a person is weakest but if you can fight it--
Ah!! If you can fight it then you begin to win!! And when you are winning your self talk changes dramatically, does it not?
That's when you begin to hear encouragement from voices in you and around you. Words of strength and urging you to victory.IF, however, the words from the Mind and Brain are utterly different and of a darker hue and tone then you must divest yourself from their power long enough to get your shit together, long enough for you to remind yourself that if you won't love you, then who will? Sometimes you just got to say--
Because, Satan, I aint fuckin witchu !! Just, nah. Nah, bruh. Bruh.
You'll find as well that once you get your own personal self-talk issues together that you will be less likely to accept unnecessary negativity from others. Including whoever you're crushing on/ have-had- a-crush-on-for-a-long-time-but-now-maybe-you-see-why-everyone-thinks-he's-an-asshole and--- Oh!! My bad!! I was talking to me!! *cough,cough* That's me and my, um, situation.
But I'm fixing that. I'm working on that shit. I'm going to win this war in the end. I'm going to capture the love in me and a whole load of love from elsewhetre and I will not be denied. Not this time, Satan! Not today.
Because a veritable glutton for punishment we are not, and should not be mistaken as such by any loitering sadists.
And, sometimes, particularly in situations of love and romance there's always someone be it stranger or "friend" or foe who can't wait to hear that some poor sucker is in love so that s/he can tell you what a dumb mutherfucka you are.
Look, the Bad Friend is that person who sees that you're in pain and agrees with you one hundred percent when you say "God, I'm so fucking stupid. He doesn't give a shit about me."
"Girl you are so right!! He does NOT give a shit about you!! I used to be like you but now I'm not!!" says Bad Friend. Ah, misery loves company but do not ever think misery hasn't got subtlety. Because if he's got you weeping on the shoulder of every human you see then chances are that he's a complete bastard in which case he does not give a shit about you because he never stops long enough to give a shit about anyone but himself.
But the risk you take in engaging this conversational diva the Bad Friend is that this person will find you a sad state of mind and heart, will eagerly psycho-analyze What Your Problem Is and by the end of your talk, when s/he has confirmed every negative thought you ever had about yourself no matter how secret...it's then, at your weakest and lowest ebb that you begin to feel quite certain that you're much better off -- the world is better off -- if you never leave your bed again, if you could just waste away and die
And you'll be sitting, sharing together all the ways and means of your failed life and utter folly in tricking yourself to believing you could be loved, all the while thinking: how did I get here? How did I come to this? Why? Why me? Why bother living.
But you forgot the Golden Rule, didn't you, Silly-head --
Aha!! I see, you've perked up.
Finally, getting the hang of this? Took you long enough. Okay, so: Remember that with self talk and mindfulness we never say to ourselves the things we would never say to a beloved and grieving friend. That little voice in our heads can sometimes get confused and take on the character of a tormentor when we feel oppressed by life's ebbs and flows. Sometimes when we are the most needy and at our weakest that we acquire new "friends".
Sure, he's funny when you've had a few to drink.
Yeah, nobody plays trombone like her.
Totally the sex you have sometimes is strings free and damn satisfactory.
Fuck that. Mindfulness is about how you relate to the world while trying to walk a righteous path and you cannot stay rooted to the path while you keep company with thoroughly unrighteous sons of bitches. Trust. It cannot be done.
If you have a broken heart you need love more than ever. Don't short-change yourself. Love is a need just like water, shelter, warmth and food. Like Bergdorf Goodman and pink sapphires and fluffy furs in winter --
What? *a woman that you've never seen before pops into the room, interrupting the narrative*
Okay so what?! Maybe my needs are different from yours!! *yelling back and forth with this unidentified woman* You know what? You are meddling so just-- FINE!!!
*Politrixie, our narrator gets loud with the woman* FINE!! BERGDORF GOODMAN PINK SAPPHIRES AND FURS ARE NOT NEEDS!! Happy now?!?!? *shouting loudly, turns and flops down facing the away, turning back to our discussion*
"Shacondria" says Politrixie with an eyeroll before continuing--
The reason is clear. If you don't love you who will?? Divesting yourself of assholes -- would-be lovers, wackass hurtful people, liars, cheaters, non-letter writing back bastards, whoever! -- look at divestment as a sort of assignment in Mindful Manumission!
Neither your heart, nor your mind, nor your body nor your soul can be enslaved or enthralled to anything but that which is truly love. And you can't create love from that which is by nature and content made up of darkness and no light at all.
The first and most important Act of Love that must exist before you can bond yourself in love to another is Self Love -- self care, self talk, joy, solitude, the practice of being happy for you. As you practice mindfulness long enough you'll begin to see in others the light that is indeed shining and signalling within you as well. Trust your self. Love your self. Be good to your self
Practice these tenets of belief and faith on yourself. Watch yourself catch a Not Friend in the act of telling you how trifling you are! It's an amazing experience. You dont really even get mad at the person; after all, that is a case of an asshole being itself. Even the hurt of rejection by the lover who largely exists only in your mind stings just a tiny bit less than it would have before you came to Mindfulness. .
PostScript: Hey Dude I Used To LIke. That hurt. I aint fuckin witchu.
THE END
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